Teaching Both Halves of the Lesson – Double Standards for Breakfast
Preparing children for the real world can be challenging, in large part because life is complicated. Let’s start with some simple examples:
- When your adult friend is in a slump, should you console them or bark at them in an attempt to snap them out of it? It depends, right? It depends on the situation and the person.
- Is physical violence ever a justifiable response? Of course not. Except we have an enormous military for some reason or another, and people stand in lines to watch violent movies. So we’re not super consistent there, are we?
- Is it ever appropriate to judge people based on their appearance? Certainly not! So why are so many movie stars so beautiful? Why are magazines covered with unreal looking models? Maybe it’s just a coincidence.
Our point is only this: we tell our kids to be kind to everyone, never to strike anyone, and never to judge a book based on its cover… and then we send them into a world where people are often mean, violence is certainly not absent, and people are commonly categorized by appearance. So, what gives? And what to do?
The answer is to teach both halves of the lesson. I know that sounds vague, so we’ll break it down further with the example of appearance.
Teaching both sides of this lesson is awkward but essential. We need―the world needs―us to send out into the world children who don’t judge others based on their appearance. We must teach our children that when they meet a new person, they should look past the outer shell and see the person within. They shouldn’t see tall or short, not fat or thin, nor skin color or hairstyle. However, it would be unfair to send them into the world naively thinking that they will be treated just as equitably by everyone they meet. We hope they are treated well by many or most but must prepare them for the unfortunate reality that they will not be treated so well by all.
So, how to prepare them? Well, appearance has two parts, right? Those things we control and those that we don’t. Let’s start with the things that we control. Zig Ziglar tells the story of the first time he saw a young man with a bright pink, spiked mohawk; he said, “I would go to war to defend that young man’s right to that haircut, but I wouldn’t hire him.” Was that unfair or Zig? Maybe. Is he alone in that view? Not at all. When your children go to their first job or college interviews, they will be best served by grooming and dressing as the interviewer expects, which will vary by college and company. Is this fair and reasonable? Probably not. Will it improve their college and job prospects? Yes.
The aspects of our appearance that we don’t control―such as height, handicaps, and race―are a more formidable subject. We want to launch our kids into a fair and just world every bit as much as you do. But one look at the news tells us that we aren’t there yet. Just as we need to teach our children to be resilient when faced with fair and reasonable challenges, we need to teach them to be resilient when faced with unfair and unreasonable challenges as well. Sometimes they will encounter injustice that they can and should stand against. Sometimes they will need to be flexible and find a different way. And sometimes, they will get knocked down and need to recover.
All of these situations are unfair, but the only thing worse than sending our children out into an unjust world is to fail to teach them that it exists. And when they inevitably get knocked down, well, then we need to help them back up but also to loop back and remind them that they should treat everyone fairly―even though the rest of the world will not always do the same.
And that is what it means to teach your child both halves of the lesson. Teach them how they should treat other people but also teach them how to be resilient when they encounter someone who wasn’t raised so well. Know that you will need to loop back and remind them of these truths time and again. Maybe in another generation, we won’t need to the second half of the lesson, but for now, prepare your children thoroughly. Send them into the world equipped with the vision of how the world ought to be, knowledge of how it is, and the strength and conviction to make it better.