PILLAR: INTEGRITY
The Central Pillar
We are born with integrity. Unlike learning and service, which we must develop through specific behaviors in childhood and beyond, integrity exists in complete form at the time of our first breath. Our actions throughout life determine whether this quality of existence maintains its state of perfection. Those who strive to preserve their integrity will succeed in having lives that work, while those who disregard its importance will impair their ability to be independent, connected, and resilient.
We could say that integrity is the central Pillar. It brings a standard of moral rectitude to the pursuit of a functional and fulfilling life. A life lived without learning or service is missing opportunities; a life lived without integrity, on the other hand, is a failure.
How do we define this central Pillar? It feels almost insipid to do so, for we all have a gut sense of the concept. In order to teach a concept to our children, however, we must be precise and complete. Integrity is the quality of being honest and whole. In the realm of human interaction, “honest” means forthright and free of deceit or untruthfulness, while “whole” means fulfilling our promises to one another.
Let’s break down this definition even further. Telling the truth is necessary but insufficient to capture the meaning of honesty. In addition to being truthful, one must also be forthright—willing to volunteer information that another person deserves to know. Careful here: Being forthright does not mean sharing everything with everyone. The pith of forthrightness lies in the phrase “that another person deserves to know.” There are some things, as our parents taught us for the sake of social grace, that are better left unsaid.
Here is an example to illustrate the concept. Let’s say you knock over your neighbor’s gaudy—but treasured—birdbath while mowing your lawn. Though the neighbor may never ask you if you did so, he clearly deserves to know the truth. Enter forthrightness. In order to be completely honest and maintain integrity, you must confess and be prepared to pay for a replacement! You do not, however, need to be honest about what you think of that neighbor’s gaudy birdbath, nor do you need to share the details of your personal finances as you write the check to replace it. That information is beyond the scope of what the other person deserves to know, and thus, there is no obligation to share it.
Like honesty, fulfilling one’s obligations is also comprised of two parts. The first is to follow through on what you say you are going to do. If you say that you will meet some friends for coffee, you need to meet them for coffee; if you promise to meet your future husband at the altar, you had best do that as well. The second component of fulfilling one’s obligations is to rectify a situation in case of failure. We are being perfectly honest here, right? Despite our best efforts, there are times in life when we fail to do what we promised. In those instances, we must make amends with the person or people we let down.
We need to understand that an obligation starts with an agreement, either stated outright or implied. Furthermore, the clearer we are about our agreements, the better. Complication, misunderstanding, and even crisis can come from poorly stated agreements.
Of course, some agreements carry greater weight than others and thus require greater amends in the case of failure. Meeting friends for coffee is a minor obligation, and a simple apology is probably sufficient to maintain our integrity if we fail to attend. On the other hand, showing up to your wedding is more significant, and, perhaps it is needless to say, failing to follow through on that promise will require a more considerable effort to ameliorate the blunder!
Resilience Parenting explores how teaching children to value integrity leads to various intrinsic rewards, including their ability to be strong, adapt, and recover in today’s world. We hope the above excerpt inspired you to read more and benefit from the ideas within. Thanks for visiting!